Ramblin’ Daddy Hits the Road
I’ve always loved the idea of going on an RV trip, but here I am staring age 50, and until this week, I never took the time to slow down and make it happen. I finally ripped off the Band-Aid, jumped in the deep end, decided to go for it. I loaded up the fam and a respectable amount of gear, and you know what? All the adventures I imagined were out there, along with plenty of misadventures to keep bystanders and casual observers entertained.
Day one dawned with excitement (accompanied by a fair amount of trepidation.) Our travels were going to take us a whopping 1.5 hours from our home, but it’s a winding road into the mountains, and I was focused on ensuring that my family did not end up at the bottom of a mountain ravine.
The Gear
When I refer to our ‘trip,’ I’m talking about two nights — nothing outrageous. But the amount of gear getting loaded into our ‘camper,’ as my wife insists on calling it, was beyond outrageous. A family of four traveling for 48 hours should not need enough stuff to outfit a small trading post, but I digress.
Meet Juniper Sage
I was informed by my wife and daughter that our new vehicle needed a name because she would have a distinct personality and would be carrying our family on many amazing adventures. (You likely have questions at this point, but I can’t answer them. I am perplexed as well.) Needless to say, I was not invited to participate in the ever-important giving of the name. I’ve been informed that Juniper Sage (or Junie) is a free-spirited hippie with a penchant for macrame, throw pillows, and quilts. That’s about all I know.
Road-Handling Badassery & A Lesson Learned
As nervous as I was to take her out on the road for the first time, Junie handled like a dream on the curving mountain roads, and she takes a corner pretty decently when in town. I did learn the hard way, however, that our little hippie chick likes to take it slow and low when working her way UP the mountain hills.
I set out as I normally would, coffee in hand, RV on cruise, football game in my ear. And that was ok, until we hit the first big hill. As I asked Junie to climb and maintain her pace, I heard a noise that might have been a hyena screeching…followed by a loud CHUNK into a lower gear and then a groan of protest from Junie. It was a very vocal protest from our new girl, effectively letting me know she was in NO WAY going to sprint her fat ass up a hill.
I took her warning in stride and learned to leave Junie in cruise only on moderate grades and flat roads. It was much more pleasant for everyone involved.
Bells & Whistles
It’s going to take a hot minute to learn about everything Junie can do. On this little trip, we were headed to Payson, AZ, with our two 13-year-old boys in tow, and I planned to tune into her mega kickass entertainment system and cheer on my hometown KC Chiefs on the drive. How hard could that be, right? Wrong.
I tried the aux cord to get sound from my phone. Fail.
I tried to sync Bluetooth (while driving…and getting yelled at for driving and trying to sync Bluetooth). Fail. That didn’t work either.
I ended up going old school and propping my on-its-last-legs phone on the console so I could at least listen to the game along the way. And it died. Fail. That was officially three strikes. I was out.
What did I learn? Junie requires a little more love and attention than just hopping into a car and tapping an app. There’s plenty to figure out.
Payson, We’re Here!
Our first stop was the grocery store. Unbeknownst to me, we had not yet crammed enough supplies into our little home on wheels. We loaded enough groceries into Junie to last us through an Alaskan winter, most of which we ended up carrying home with us a couple days later.
We parked in the back of the lot, obviously. Did you guys know a 32-foot RV does NOT fit in the 15-minute-only parking at the front of the store? The things you learn, right?
I slid Junie easily into about 12 spots in the back of the lot. Nah, it was only a couple of spots, but I’m not gonna lie, when it was time to leave, I realized we had parked facing the wrong direction in one of those slanty-direction parking spots. After what can only be described as a 47-point-turn (minor fail), I successfully maneuvered us out of the lot and onto our final destination.
Welcome to Camp
We arrived at the campsite (but were NOT camping…maybe more like glamping), and I backed Junie into our spot…smooth as buttah. Success was mine! From that point on, I knew I could do anything!
Except conjure hot water. But that story comes a little later.
I hooked up cords and hoses, flipped switches, connected connectors. With everyone’s help, we had an outdoor living area set up lickety-split, and in no time, one of our teenagers was getting back to nature by playing Xbox in the woods.
True Survivor
Here’s how I know men have been preparing to be wilderness survivors our entire lives. I was able to set up the electronics — TVs, Xbox, DVD players, you name it — with NO instructions, and it only took about six hours, 1,000 pushes of various buttons, 50 HDMI cord exchanges, seven remote controls, and three made-up curse words created just for camping. Dammit, no, RV’ing!
The fam received Spikeball for Christmas as a fun outdoor game to take along. And it would have been fabulous fun — if I hadn’t decided to test my brand-new air compressor/battery charger on the teeny-tiny (not-so-sturdy) ball that came with the set. I obliterated that in quick order, leaving us with nothing but an unread instruction booklet and an unused net. Fail.
I got a round of what I’ll call disappointed looks from the family, although I’m pretty sure they were more like what-an-idiot looks. We were left with a fabric checkers board (fairly indestructible) and sticks and leaves as entertainment. The non-Xbox kid quickly set out to make fire with his new survival tool, and in short order he had a tiny burning nest of kindling. So he’s either a budding pyro or survivalist. Let’s go with survivalist.
Rest, Sweet Rest
But before that, I had to deal with the cold. Because what better way to have a relaxing getaway than to drive somewhere FREEZING COLD? I went out to unhook the water hose (typical garden hose), because the last thing I needed was to be the noob who froze all his pipes on the first night. Wanna know how this fail went down?
I tried to unhook the hose connection at both ends, and somehow, in the past few hours, the connections had become cemented together. By cold air? By water? By sheer first timer’s luck? I went to grab a wrench to pry the damn thing off — a wrench I did not have, by the way. Luckily, in the meantime, my wife, was able to conjure her inner middle school camper, along with a hidden reserve of Herculean strength, and she coaxed that hose loose like she was coaxing a snake out of a basket. That only added a little salt to the wound. Fail.
Snug as Bugs in a Rug
At the end of the day, we all settled nicely into a toasty-warm TV that waiting for our tired, inexperienced selves. Did the DVD we brought along work properly? Nope. Did we know where we had stored anything? Again, no.
But did we have the time of our lives? Hellz yeah!
All in all, the maiden voyage was a success, and we’re ready to plan our next adventure. Welcome to the family, Junie Sage.
